Showing posts from February, 2020

The Funny Side of Cancer

Cancer is not a funny thing to have, but some of the things that happen to your body are. I had cancer, I was given 1 year to live if I survived the first day. I was hemorrhaging and they didn't know how to stop it. I was given 2  high radiation treatments just to burn the area to stop the bleeding. That was 8 years ago. I kept a diary and looked at the funny things instead of fearing the cancer. Here is one of my entries after surgery for Endometrial Cancer. After all these years of NOT having an ass I finally have one! My friends were always laughing because we referred to each other as the fat ass and the flat ass.  My cancer surgery changed that. After 10 days, it was time for me to see my surgical site. The first time I stood up and took a look at my incision without the bandaging and I found my ASS! I finally have one, I'm so excited. There it was,  sitting right in front of my belly! What a glorious sight it was, a 90 year old woman's saggy, wrinkly ass hanging o

Old Man and the Enema

I was working at a nursing home for about 4 months and was told to give an elderly man, about 77 years old, an enema.  This was the first time without a Registered Nurse present.  At the time it was the squeeze bottle type with an attached nozzle. I got the man on his side, stuck a pillow between his legs, cleaned him up, lubricated the nozzle, and began to insert the nozzle into the rectum.  Everything seemed to be going well as I squeezed the pump to release the fluids. Now, I had a habit that when I would squeeze the bottle in and out, my hand would move causing the nozzle to move in and out of his rectum a little, almost like rocking. The guy starts moaning, I ask him if he is okay. He tells me "yes, it feels good." I never thought anything of it and continued. His moaning started getting louder, and he finally lets out a yell. I got scared, I thought I went through his bowel or something. I quickly removed the nozzle, apologizing, and I am in tears. I was sure his

Let Loose At The Pharmacy

I  had been ill for awhile and decided it was time to see a Doctor. (I am a stubborn Norwegian that refuses to admit they are sick; once you admit it, then it becomes true). I had pneumonia and bronchitis, and was given a prescription for medications. I  hopped onto city bus to the pharmacy that was closest to my house. While on the bus, I started coughing and felt like puking, but I kept swallowing to try to stop that from happening. Another coughing attack hit me, suddenly I threw up, splattering the young man sitting in front of me. Everyone staring. The young guy was shocked. Thank God I had my stop coming up, apologized to the guy, stepped off of the bus, twisted my ankle and fell down into the gutter. The bus left me lying in the slushy, muddy snow to fend for myself. I pulled myself up, I was already muddy, wet and looked like death. I go to the pharmacy and wait my turn. Finally, I am at the counter and I start coughing again. This time it was worse than ever. I'm sweating,

The Day I Shit on my Son, Literally!

I want to spend the next little while telling you a few stories about stupid things that happened in my life as well as other stories. Let me know what you think. Everything is TRUE. Embarrassing yes, but I see the funny side of life. Enjoy the stories. My son, my poor son, last year I was in the basement talking to him. We had been arguing about something. The basement was FULL as we were packing stuff up to renovate. I squeezed into his room and found a low chair to sit on. I Started getting stomach cramps and figured I need to go to the bathroom. I hesitated a few minutes, trying to settle things down. I struggled to get up from the chair and he had to come pull me up, farting the entire time. Oh, the stench! Making my way out of the room to the stairs , finally making it through the maze and up the first step. I was ill and my back was out making it hard for me to go up the steps. He goes behind me and starts pushing my ass up the stairs. Suddenly I got the shits, its squirtin